There is nothing I can say that will truly take away the pain or frustration you are currently feeling. I share my experience in our love story and our life because I have searched far and wide on the internet for support throughout our long-distance relationship, unable to find exactly what I was looking for.
Every relationship is different and so I hope in offering our stories (both ups and downs), you find the ability to find peace and ease in your current situation. Boy, girl, man or woman, I am with you - I feel the struggle!
I'd hope at the least that your relief comes from connecting with our experiences and knowing you aren't alone.
#1 "I'm Not Feeling Satisfied"
Well . . . It's Just Going To Take Time
I used to think that being honest about my needs was overly important, until I realized I have literally screamed, cried, pouted, turned cold, been sweet, loving and supportive and in ALL of the listed scenario's, still managed to feel misunderstood and ignored at times.
The truth is, you and your partner are two separate and completely different individuals and you haven't got a clue as to how each other functions. Don't waste too much time trying to figure it all out; more so, don't waste time trying to figure out why you're different and what isn't working. Spend time on figuring out how you are alike and what DOES work.
Over time, I saw and felt that we were changing. Growth, expansion, new wisdoms and pespectives. A lot of the things we once tried so hard to understand transcended into "new" things that we had to then begin to "figure out". It became a cycle.
All to say. Go ahead and let them know what you need but first, above anything, check-in with yourself and see what needs you are able to meet for yourself. We take care of ourselves perfectly well when we are single right? So why do we expect so much out of our partners? I don't know either, don't worry. It's why I write.
I have preferences about how I'd like things to go but that by no means, gives me the right to assume that I will get to have my way. Nor should it. A relationship is a constant lesson, showing us how to let go of our instincutal desire for the illusion of control.
I've learned that complaining about my own needs, is really just an excuse to NOT take action in my life. I was being lazy, expecting another human being to show up for himself AND for me. Now that I've taken responsibility for my life, I feel happy, fulfilled, excited. It's really liberating when you decide to find the strength to let your lights shine.
How are we now? AND what works for us?
When I feel like my needs aren't being met I literally used to say something like this lengthy run on sentence I'm about to share which unapologetically included the following:
"Okay so you've asked me to tell you how I feel and in the past and I have communicated this over and over until the point where sometimes I have flipped out. We know this. You've even taken the time to ask where my anger comes from, so I am simply warning you that I am feeling this way RIGHT NOW and IF it is ignored, by nature I will likely freak out. . . really soon. I don't know what shit I'm dealing with in my life that is causing me to project negativity onto our relationship and more specifically you and I'm sorry... but it is what it is. If you want to talk about how we can actually find a solution to this issue (i.e. likely my issue) together I am here. Otherwise . . . you've unfortunately been warned" (Not word for word by any means but in a nutshell to paint the picture.)
Now in the space that I live in my life, I read this and I think oH mY UniVerSe JeSiCa You wErE juSt CrAy-CRaY!
Relationships involve some serious EGO-tripping. He/she wants the power and you know what, so do you. When we confront our boyfriends or girlfriends about what we are wanting, it sort of gives our partner the advantage. You've given them access to knowing what you most desire (from them). Now they have leverage in knowing what you want! This is totally a negative energy but one that serves as a lesson for people who need it; like me.
A loving and intimate connection in my opinion is based on having compassion, empathy and flexibility for our partner's needs along with a willingness to shift our responses, actions or behaviours with a quickness if it is causing discomfort. Again, as the EGO is checks into our relationships, we can be sure hard times are ahead! I also now believe that if two people are in alignment and doing what they love that these "lessons" wouldn't show up. There is definitely no room for EGO in any of this.
A small example:
It goes like this -> you say you'd like more attention in a specific situation, naturally he responds by continuing to withhold attention because he doesn't want to be forced to do something. The truth is, if he wanted to do something HE WOULD!
Ladies, ladies don't kid yourselves. It's the same for us! Since when have we enjoyed doing something when we've been asked?
It will NOT come from an authentic space immediately. We both have to figure out a way to make doing things for our partner fun. I personally find bartering exciting and I learn a lot. "I will do this IF you do x,y,z." IT IS WICKED.
We might have watched House Of Cards a little too much. #netflix #relationshipgoals
Well then what's the solution to learn our lessons already and get on with it?
Openly talk about your needs and how you feel sure BUT don't put too much emphasis or pressure on what you both share. Check in often because you are both always on the grow (yes grow, not go or on the move. - GROW).
Communication is ongoing. Focus on your self when you are feeling like your "needs aren't being met". This really just means you aren't spending enough time loving yourself. (As I now understand it).
Why we DO communicate? Well, because it's not good to hold things inside. Be you, be free, and have fun. I learned the hard way and likely so will you. We've had sooooo many annoying situations come up that now, we just try to be easy going and more flexible. We beat each other to the punch and let go of the little things. Choose your battles.
Be kind. This is a two-way street. There needs to be an understanding from BOTH of you.
Warn your partner about how you think you may react. Try it. For two reasons. 1. They can't read your mind and if you freak out without warning, well it's just scary. And 2. You are likely not yet able to see that you are actually just wanting a change. Let me repeat YOU ARE EAGER AND WANTING A CHANGE, as in, you want to do some personal development.
Now since you likely focus on your partner OVER your own self you may be feeling a bit lost and confused. Basically you are looking for love in someone else which is ALWAYS going to be a really, REALLY hard place to be.
Self-Reflection and focus on loving yourself because at the end of the day the truth is that you are looking for love in ALL the wrong places.
A man or woman will never fill the space of love that you carry in your heart. To the degree that you want attention, is likely to the degree by which you should be spending time focusing on your self. Work out, eat healthy, get some sleep, hang out with your girls or guys, explore your city, try a new activity, sign up for some classes or a course, plan a day to yourself that involves totally reconnecting to your inner spark.
Accept that fighting, arguing, power trips, EGO’s at play, discomfort; they’re just going to happen. That IS what a relationship is. Some people have it easy, some hard, some terrible, and some blissful BUT everyone has their relationship for a reason. We are learning lessons that are important to internalize.
The greater lesson here is to accept the flow of your ups and downs because if you don't stick with your partner you will likely move on to someone else and there will be butterflies and jitters and then once again when it gets serious you will have a different kind of disappointment show up because you have yet to work through this stuff that you are battling RIGHT - FREAKING - NOW. You must push through.
Wouldn't you rather figure out your discomfort with your current lover? I would! And so we fight for each other every day, week, month and year. The grass isn't greener on the other side it is only a different colour.
Him and I both know what we have to lose and it is a reality check when moments are tense. We think the world of one another but we also know that we both are wanting certain things to happen in our relationship; it will all just take time. At the end of the day losing each other is much more painful than moving through our discomfort.
#2 My Own Space
I used to CRAVE him. I LITERALLY couldn't do anything without thinking of him when we were doing Long Distance in the beginning and it drove me nuts.
I wanted to be with him all the time and I also was really annoyed that I couldn't get him off my mind when we were apart. What I've learned after one year of doing long distance and two years of living together, is how much I appreciate my time to myself. F'in FINALLY!
We used to spend SO much time together that it drove us both a little nuts. Now we travel to different countries on our own and we also travel together. We spend weeks apart here and there and in those moments it is ABSOLUTELY refreshing to focus on me.
Listen Up! Your life revolves around YOU not your partner. If it doesn't, something is wrong. I get that we're in a relationship and that involves another side where we compromise and consider our partners and I am so not discrediting that at all.
I am saying that I am number one #1 ! If I don't take care of myself, then I am literally like one of those little purple haired troll dolls.
Do you ever find that when things aren't going your way that you fight more with your partner or friends for that matter? I used to wonder why until I realized I wasn't doing what I truly wanted to be doing. The truth is, sometimes I really hate having to compromise and always think of someone else. Sometimes I just want to do what I want, when I want!
Those purple haired troll doll moments came about because I wasn't spending enough time on my own goals. I either had neglected going to the gym or following my healthy nutritional routine, I wasn't studying enough or working on my businesses. I didn't have time to work on my hobbies or see my friends and family.
So this is the real reality check. Somehow even though I was the one who chose to sacrifice all of these elements of my own life - I've decided to take it out on him??? How did that ever make sense to me? I write this with the most compassion for my loving partner and others in similar situations, what a difficult space to be in! I was just suffering internally and I didn't even understand it. I felt so badly and often consumed with guilt for projecting my inability to connect with myself onto my partner.
We often take our frustrations out on those we love, and through some rather challenging transitions, I used to find it impossible to take responsibility for my lack of action. That is my truth. I gave up a few times. I looked externally to release rather than to cope with what was really going on inside myself.
I needed to focus on myself. When my world starts to become more about me rather than my partner or my identity within my relationship, I am on fire; the spark is lit and I am unstoppable!
You and your partner fell in love at one point in your life when you were absolutely rocking your own single routine. That's a clue. Be your own lover and let go of your expectations. You know what else? Let GO of the excuses you have as to why you haven't let go of your current expectations. LET IT GO!
#3 I Get What I Focus On. I Get What I Focus On. I Get What I Focus On.
When something doesn't feel good, I don't give my attention to it. I will be the first to admit I have come to a place in our relationship where I cannot stand bickering. It annoys me to no end and I completely shut off at the first sight or sound of it at this point. I shut right up and stare off in space, ignoring whatever is happening in the moments it creeps up.
We are all different and bring something unique to this world. This is my specific situation so it won't be useful for everyone. I happen to think it's absolutely great how I respond now. I am not giving attention to something that sucks the life out of me. I know eventually I'll have a different solution, which will suite my needs at the time. For now this works and it's prevented some blow outs! I go quiet and stiff but I wait, I rest my mind, calm my energy and I try again later when I don't feel so much adrenaline, resistance and stubbornness in my throat and chest.
TRUTH. Our partners can get on our nerves and it's going to happen off and on for the rest of our lives. They annoy the crap out of us and vice versa and other moments we're crying because we love them so much it hurts. WAAAAH, we are all a little unstable. It's natural. Let go of your self-sabotagging judgment.
WHAT IF IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL GOOD?
When something doesn't feel good - don't focus on it or all the negative factors because you will get what you focus on. This is SO simple girlfriends and boyfriends!
In order to get what you want you will have to go into mega action and write down everything you DO want in your relationship and imagine yourselves in this amazing space. We can call this "virtual reality" a visualization technique.
If you want an easy guide to focusing your energy then you should check out my article on Using The Law Of Attraction To Get What You Want by clicking the highlighted area.
You BOTH have to take action! Affirmations, lists, visualization, speaking aloud, taking the good and moving quickly through the bad. If you don't move yourselves into action you will never have a different result which may ultimately mean you having to say goodbye to one another.
Squirm all you want. Learn to be uncomfortable and keep trying NEW things until you find the key that works FOR YOU.
Sharing My Personal Experiences:
I don't ever want to lose my partner. I have accepted throughout our darkest of times, in the end we are both willing to see every side of each others personalities however blissful or difficult. We constantly transcend and expand in our human experience and it would be tremendously painful to separate such an intimate and beautiful bond. Out of all the darkest of moments, we simply try. We don't give up. We speak our truths, sometimes we fight like cats and dogs but really like sharks vs sea crocodiles (god that would be epic), other times we take space when we need to, all with the understanding that combining TWO lives is the hardest task in the entire world.
#4 And In The End, There You'll Be
Simple as . . . My partner and I might make it together our whole lives, or we might not. In the end I'll have myself and so it would be wise for me to invest time and energy into getting to truly love the person inside of myself.
Take away the career, the hobbies, the companion, friends, family, house, car, lifestyle and sit with yourself. Could you handle loving yourself until your final days? Does that scare the crap out of you? Making that kind of commitment to yourself? Good now sit with the fact that someone else loves you to pieces right now and because you're both tripping over your ego's, risk losing your soul mate.
GET YOURSELVES SORTED OUT!
The path to a happy and satisfied heart and mind is in our ability to grow. Do things alone. Do things with your partner. Just try everything you can because life is about having fun and learning. Relationships are very special and should be tended to with love, gentleness and compassion. Remember what comes before any man or woman that you date or marry is YOU. YOU come first.
You started here on this universe alone (although we're actually infinitely connected to everything but anyway read on for a more dramatic finally and ignore this) you will end here alone. Sink deep into your experiences and TRY dear child TRY to enjoy the ride. Some people aren't so lucky and don't get the time to explore the depths of themselves. Don't take your life for granted. Live wildly. All is well and if you truly want something - you'll make it happen.
Her free-spirited and bubbly personality allow her to connect with people from all walks of life. She is a certified Life Coach, a writer, blogger and avid traveller who has difficulty leaving her house without her Nikon. She strives to serve, showing people how to get what they are most wanting in life whether it be physical, emotional, financial or spiritual.
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